Wednesday, February 28, 2007
1:35 p.m.

Do you ever have a day that you think can’t get any worse, or think someone is so ridiculously retarded that they can’t get any retarded-er? Well, today I became retarded-er. Sometimes when I already think I trained the retards in their retardedness, I do something that almost tops everything.Today I was going home for lunch and on the way out of the parking lot I saw my coworker with his annoying Ford Taurus from 1980-something. I hate that car, and he bugs the fuck out of me anyway since he’s a chauvanistic and lazy asshole, so of course I hold his shitty car against him.

Someone should tell him to do them both a favor and drive that heap of shit off a bridge or something. But that would be mean, and a little superficial. I was thinking about this as I drove home. Karma will get me, don’t worry. Keep reading.

As usual, I was irritated by the idiots who slowly meander into my lane. As usual, I went around them because I can’t handle being stuck behind a turtle, and exited the freeway. At the last minute I decided to turn right on a street with no stop signs because I’m always in a giant fucking hurry for no reason. Since I was going pretty fast and the turn was spontaneous, I screeched around the corner and almost into the oncoming lane. This wouldn’t have been a problem if it weren’t for THE COP CAR sitting at the stop sign. Yeah that’s right, genius me almost hit a fucking cop. Almost. I gave him that “I’m really sorry I’m an idiot” look and continued on my way, super slowly. Unfortunately, I encountered him again, this time I was at a stop sign and he was crossing my intersection. By then I’d given up trying to get home at record-breaking speeds. He turned my way so I rolled down my window and pulled the whole girl speech: “OMG I’m so sorry! Like, I totally didn’t mean to do that, you know?” and he asked if I was in a hurry, I said I didn’t know. Because I’m still retarded. Then he said to slow down or I will kill myself. I said thank you and have a nice day. UGH I’m an idiot. And the cube neighbor is mumbling her satanic lyrics again.

On another note, some guys just came in to sell keyboards to the receptionist (hello, the 80s called, they want them back) and I went over to watch this transpire. The receptionist asked me if I wanted to buy one, and I said no. Then I told the guys that there is no soliciting, they’re not supposed to be here and they need to leave. She told me later that I saved her because she didn’t know how to make them leave because she’s not good at being mean, and it comes naturally to me. Being mean comes naturally to me. If that’s not a compliment, I don’t know what is.