Tuesday, February 06, 2007
11:20 a.m.

RIDICULOUSLY OVERPLAYED WEDDING SONGS

1. “Holiday” – Madonna. If I hear this song at one more wedding reception (or any other major event requiring a dj’d reception) I will protest.

2. “Celebration” – Kool and the Gang. Another seriously overused song – I think I’ve been hearing this at weddings since I was eight. ENOUGH ALREADY! Even Grandma Judith is sick of this song, let it go.

3. “The Macarena” – Los del Rio. They had to add yet another humiliating group dance, like the Chicken Dance and Bunny Hop weren’t embarrassing enough. If I have to see one more relative getting down to these guys, I will bring the oldest culprit to the floor like a bag of rocks, to teach them all a lesson. And by the way, Brian thinks these guys look like my dad. I don’t see the resemblance. Alright, MAYBE to the one on the right:

4. “Rapper’s Delight” – The Sugar Hill Gang. Like we need to give black dj’s more fodder for amusement at our expense? They have to see us dancing to this? Wasn’t the old lady in “The Wedding Singer” enough?

5. “Rock Lobster” – B-52′s and 6. “Blister in the Sun” – Violent Femmes.
A quick nod to the alternative genre, maybe your relatives CAN be slightly cool. Hey, it may be enough to get emo cousin Jenna off the ledge for five minutes. I mean, she did wash off most of her eye makeup and apply cover-up to her cut marks for this shindig.

7. “I Will Survive” – Gloria Gaynor. This is a song about someone who got dumped. Is this a dark foreshadowing, or are we celebrating the line: “I’m savin’ all my lovin’ for someone who’s lovin’ me…” ? Either way, stop playing it now.

8. “Stayin’ Alive” – The BeeGees. Please. This song was done by 1982. Saturday Night Fever. You liked the movie. We get it. Can we move on to “Jive Talkin’” now? Or maybe even “Night Fever”? Because we know how to show it.

9. “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith. He’s the black guy for white people. Aside from Wayne Brady and Bill Cosby. What’s not to love? That song. That song is what’s not to love. It was fun for about five minutes in 1998. 1998! Let it die already. It’s time.

10. Anything by Michael Jackson. He had his ride in the 70s and 80s. But that Michael is gone forever.

Now we’re stuck with this one.

WEDDING SONGS FOR THE MILLENIUM

First of all, let’s do away with the dollar dances of yore. This is the 00′s . Stave off the unplanned progeny for awhile. Replace those dollars with condoms! To you baby-hungry ladies, don’t pout – you’re just going to poke holes in them anyway, so what’s the difference?

1. “Closer” – Nine Inch Nails. Show them what it’s REALLY about. (“I wanna fuck you like an animal. I wanna feel you from the inside…”)

2. “Face Down, Ass Up” – 2 Live Crew. Nothing screams love and romance like a song about smelly butt sex. Show your relatives another side of yourself (haha, no pun intended).

3. “I Hate Myself for Loving You” – Joan Jett. Self-explanatory.

4. “All Apologies” – Nirvana. For the groom. You’re getting married. She’ll get mad, A LOT. Get it over with. Say you’re sorry now, and forever.

5. “The Lapdance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying” – Bloodhound Gang. It’s happy and upbeat. The bride will be relieved to think that maybe her new husband’s bachelor party wasn’t a two-day orgy in Las Vegas with hookers and coke. Maybe his bite mark really WAS from beating a cripple with his own crutch.

6. “American Woman” – The Guess Who. “I’ve got more important things to do, than spend my time growing old with you.” YES. This is the sentiment we’re looking for. Gone are the days of sappy Moonlight Sonatas and Wonderful Tonights of yester year. We need to spice this up.

7. “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” – Paul Simon. Unfortunately, this is a little too late, being that it’s the wedding reception. Should have played it at the ceremony to give them one more chance to slip out the back, Jack.

8. “Under Pressure” – David Bowie and Queen. Kind of a downer. But it’s a wedding. How much pressure is a wedding? I think it’s fitting.

9. “Maneater” – Hall and Oates. Should be played during the condom dance. Or maybe the bride is just a nightmarish whore. Either way.

10. Anything by Crystal Method. Turn any wedding into an instant rave. Aunt Janet can drop E and get down just like emo cousin Jenna. Where is my glow stick?