Wednesday, January 31, 2007
2:03 p.m.

Sometimes I feel the compulsion to write, other times, not so much. Today is definitely a compulsive day.

To the girl interviewing for our receptionist position. Here are the top five reasons you won’t get hired:

5. Speaking in a condescending manner to me won’t endear you to the powers that be. Basically, you’re trying to get a job beneath mine, so I would check my attitude if I were you. Don’t think I won’t say something when you leave.

4. Mispronouncing the manager’s name is a big mistake. Maybe you double check with the staffing agency next time and confirm that you have it right?

3. When I asked if you were here for an interview, you said “No, I’m meeting with ____.” Um…you ARE here for an interview. Are you stupid? What do you think I mean by “interview?” Are you one of those self-inflated superiority cases that refers to everything as a “meeting” because you are so fucking important? Don’t be that bitch. Everyone hates that bitch. Take your Dayrunner and Trio and shove them up your hole.

2. I heard you speaking with my supervisor and manager: “Great office building! What an impressive space” or some such nonsense. WHO SAYS THAT? Is that the best you could do? It’s so painfully obvious that you are completely generic and insincere that I almost wanted to clamp my own nipples with binder clips just to forget about the drivel I heard spewing from your annoying little mouth.

1. You will most definitely NOT get this job because our receptionist won’t be moving up to my position, and I’m NOT LEAVING. I decided to wait until after I get accepted to UCSC (or get rejected and slit my throat).

It was also a great validation to be immediately approached by one of my stuffier coworkers who said, “She was too happy. That sounded fake to me, too.” HA.