Tuesday, January 16, 2007
7:41 a.m.

I’m lying. I could never murder someone. Really. I can’t even beat someone up. I would never anticipate someone actually dying at my hands, save possibly for an unfortunate small animal that happens to cross the road when I’m driving like an asshole. Regardless of that, here are some things that already irritate me this morning:

1. Upon grabbing my phone on the way out, I got a text message from the receptionist which says: “Sorry 2 put u in a bind but I believe I got food poisoning. I’ve been a mess all night. Please let ______ know. Thnx.” This loosely translates to: Good morning sucker, you’ll be alone today. You have to do all the bullshit work that you’ve been getting out of lately. Have fun stocking sodas, answering ALL the phones, making copies, distributing mail, preparing outgoing mail, and whatever other atrocious duties you may have to do. Have an all-around sucky day.

I would like to emphasize here that I’m not mad at her for having food poisoning. I’m just mad at the situation it puts me in. I’m also not necessarily disputing the validity of her food poisoning, but I will say that it’s the easiest excuse with which to call in. I’ve used it plenty of times. No one can prove it, and you don’t have to make up a bunch of shit on the spot. No “ummm….well….I’m dizzy, achy, nauseous, I have a headache…” You say “food poisoning” and no one wants to hear any more, because it’s gross no matter what end it’s coming out. Either way you’re pretty much married to the toilet. Grab a pillow and enjoy the honeymoon.

2. I have class tonight. UGH. I’m excited about it, but UGH. Nothing is more daunting upon waking up then thinking about the ten frantic hours before you.

3. I hate when MS Word decides to overwrite what I’ve written, despite the fact that I haven’t pressed “insert.” If I wanted my shit written over itself, I would press the fucking button. God damn.

4. Fleetwood Mac. I heard a song about doves or some such nonsense. I normally like them, but today it especially got on my nerves. I think it’s Stevie Nicks. It’s so obvious now that she practically asphyxiated herself with cocaine. Her voice sounds like she took melon balls of it and snorted it with one of those giant Pixie Stix straws (you know, the REALLY BIG ONES?) I wouldn’t know from experience or anything that doing too much blow makes your throat dry. A reliable source tells me that when your nose gets too sore and red from snorting, that’s when you should freebase, i.e. smoke crack. Just my tip for the day.