Friday, December 15, 2006
8:32 a.m.

Today is a short Friday for me, I’m leaving at noon to be in Salinas early so I can make my cookies and go to that damn party Saturday that I wanted to go to so badly. Now, I’m ambivalent. I only want what I can’t have, I guess. But I made such a big deal of it, I have no choice but to proceed as planned.

There is confusion in the office as to the actual day of our work potluck/ “white reindeer” exchange. Nothing brings out holiday spirit like arguing over when the holiday will be celebrated.

This is such a stressful time for me. I hate it. I haven’t started my holiday shopping yet, and I’m such a fucking scrooge, I never send Christmas cards. I don’t know what I’m getting anyone besides my dad, and you’d think I’d have exerted a modicum of energy towards acquiring his present, even by ordering it online. But no, I’m lazy and I suck. When I was still in school I had an excuse, and was stressed out and could give a shit about holidays anyway, until finals week ended. But now, it’s all on me.

I just learned a new word: catawampus. I think my life in general is catawampus. (meaning: askew; diagonal; oblique).

My wish list:

1)      For my house to be clean and orderly, not in chaos and disarray. It’s so hard to function with everything all catawampus as it is.

2)      A definite direction in life. I would like to know where I’m going and how I’m getting there.

3)      I would like for people to communicate effectively and understand each other.

4)      I would like to not be so sensitive, and would like to be affected less by my hormones, mood swings, and expectations. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. And I already have plenty of those.

5)      I wish I could just be grateful for what I have in my life, rather than always lamenting over what I don’t. I seem content enough to lie around and be lazy about shit.

6)      I would like to be less lazy in general and more proactive.

Reasons why I’m a horrible person:

1)      I’m stoked that one of my thinks-he’s-so-perfect coworkers got a red light violation in a company vehicle. Accounting got the photo of him and wasn’t sure who it was, but based on a very distinguishing characteristic, I was able to provide a positive identity of the perpetrator. HA! That’s the last time you micro-manage me, fucker. I am a vindictive bitch. But hey, don’t run red lights in company vehicles, jackhole. (See, even when I’m recognizing my evilness, I still revel in it.)

2)      I’m such an ingrate, you’d think I’d be happy just to be alive; a year ago I was barely breathing and a total invalid. But no, I find tons of trivial minutiae to bitch about daily.

3)      I think selfishness and laziness was probably mentioned. I’m also a moody bitch – maybe I should name her. She is not like me. I think I will name her Grizelda. Henceforth, Grizelda will be blamed for my evildoings.

4)      I refuse to accept responsibility for my own actions.

Well this could go on for awhile, so I will leave it at those four reasons. If anyone wants to contribute to the list, let me know. Today is for constructive self-examination and reckoning.

Happy Festivus.