Wednesday, December 13, 2006
4:35 p.m. 

I just returned from the work bathroom. You know, three stalls, so you can feel like an animal in a trough? I went (as always) to the handicap-accessible stall because it’s farthest away from the door and because it’s comfortably large. Ironic that I would need to be in a large stall, when I could feasibly fit into a dorm fridge if I had to. But anyway, someone had left a souvenir for the next patron. Isn’t that cute? A stranger’s random bits have always put me in a better mood. So naturally I moved over to the next stall. Someone else came in right after, and headed to that giant stall. Apparently it’s everyone’s favorite stall. I think it has the most reassuring flush. The one I used was weak – a wimpy, pathetic excuse for a waste receptacle. The girl inevitably discovered the same issue I did, but she decided to be proactive and try to flush the demons. Unsuccessfully, because there was a sudden backlash and our sudden uncomfortable laughter. The moral of this is: Ladies (and men, ANYONE really), if you decide to take a giant horse dump in a public stall, please, for the love of god, courtesy flush that monster to avoid situations such as this. No one wants to see, hear, or smell your buttlets. Flush twice, thrice if necessary. We are humans and have normal digestive tracts, and unfortunately we were also burdened with self-consciousness and shame about it. The culprit is damn lucky she wasn’t present for the backlash, what a scene that would have been. Water and particles everywhere, the janitor had to be called, the smell of shame wafting into the hallway. The lesson is always, always courtesy flush. It’s good for you, it’s good for me, and most importantly, it’s good for the toilet. That’s all. Enjoy your day.