Monday, December 11, 2006
1:18 p.m. (that can’t be right)

1. A luncheon was held Friday at the Convention Center to appreciate the supportive efforts for an organization affiliated with my company. Jack Gallagher performed at the luncheon as a comedian. “Who is Jack Gallagher?” No, he’s not the guy who smashes the watermelons, I asked that last week, too. Jack Gallagher lives in Land Park, and has appeared on…are you ready for this…Curb Your Enthusiasm as Larry’s doctor. I was so excited upon hearing that, I barely heard the first two minutes of his routine. I was busy planning my ambush and comedic self-promotional spiel, as well as my confession of idolatry for Larry David. Unfortunately he exited right after his routine. So now I have to stalk him.

2. John and I were at Benny’s Friday night. We had a sing-along with a guy named Juan who played a banjo. He called it a ukelele, but we’re in Sacramento, who does he think he’s fooling? He played “Blister in the Sun” by Violent Femmes and a Johnny Cash song (I forget which). And his own song about whacking off. He humped my leg a few times, and the other girl in the vicinity. But the crowning moment of the night, which will forever remain emblazoned in my memory, is when Juan said: “You are so tiny. You must have a really tight pussy. That’s ok, because I have a small dick.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I said, “Um, I don’t know how to respond to that. But thanks, and good night!” And then I scuttled away. With my apparent tight pussy and tiny shape. Where do these people come from? Should I be offended? It would have been worse had he said, “God, you’re a fuckin ogre. I think I’m trapped in your pussy right now. Ogre.”