Tuesday, November 21, 2006
7:40 a.m.

Walking the mile, walking the mile, walking the bloody mile…this is a two-fold metaphor for me right now:

For a change, I will not rant today. I have decided instead to write a summary and small analysis of Sweet Valley High, the literary collection of teen-oriented books written in the 80s. My sisters read the Sweet Valley High books, the continuing story of twin sisters, Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, and their friends in high school (duh). I wasn’t really allowed yet, but read them anyway (I was advanced for my age – I also read “Flowers in the Attic” when I was 11). I also read the Sweet Valley Twins, the prequel series of said twins in middle school, which was written for pre-teens like me, who also weren’t allowed to join the major leagues with the “Sweet Valley High” books. I read a lot in my youth. This is why I can’t swim and barely ride a bike. I was reading while everyone else was getting fresh air, playing sports, and being normal.

The Wakefields were a successful family in Sweet Valley, California. Sweet Valley is a fictional town by the ocean. The father, Ned Wakefield, was a lawyer, and the mother, Alice Wakefield, was an interior designer. I totally guessed this, looked it up on Wikipedia and I was RIGHT. OMG 1: I was right, I’m such a dork. OMG 2: This is on Wikipedia. OMG 3: I just used OMG as an abbreviation for Oh My God. I truly sicken myself.

Anyway, Ned and Alice had a son, Steven, and twin girls, Jessica and Elizabeth. No one really gives a rat’s ass about the son because, well, he’s not a hot blonde twin, and he’s already in college. So this family basically has everything, right? For me, a recurring theme in the series is: Why was Jessica Wakefield such a fucking bitch? Even in middle school. Bitch. She was in the Unicorns, an exclusive club for bitches who wore purple every day. They had meetings each week to discuss fashion, gossip, and boys. In high school she was kind of a trashy ho-bag. She snuck out a lot, took her parents’ car without permission, and slacked off in school. She was the basic teenage nightmare.

Jessica’s almost-perfect twin sister, Elizabeth (older by four minutes), was the antithesis. Elizabeth wrote for the Sweet Valley High newspaper, did well in school, was nice to everyone, tried to keep Jessica out of trouble, and obeyed her parents. Except for that time she snuck out to ride her boyfriend’s motorcycle, and (of course) got into an accident that cracked her melon and turned her into a turbo-Jessica until she cracked her melon again, returning her to normal. Thank god she didn’t sleep with Bruce Patman. What an arrogant prick. (New information: According to Sweet Valley history, Alice dated Bruce Patman’s dad and left him at the altar for Ned Wakefield. Scandal!)

Does the dichotomy of the twins symbolize the duality of mankind? Everyone has a responsible side and an impetuous side, alternately revealing each as circumstances allow. Jessica often complicates life for Elizabeth, who then has to remediate the situation to avoid further trouble. Could it be true that we are our own worst enemies? Do we intentionally complicate things for ourselves out of fear of failure, or more importantly, fear of success? The answers to these questions lie only in ourselves.  

I stopped reading the books shortly after Bruce Patman’s girlfriend, Regina, died of a cocaine overdose. She was born deaf, but her parents were super rich and she had an operation that enabled her to hear at last. The insensitive few might call her a honker. Bruce was cheating on Regina with Amy Sutton, Jessica’s friend (Elizabeth’s in middle school when she was fat and nerdy). Whores of a feather, man. Regina had a heart condition, that’s why the cocaine killed her. Jessica was dating a guy who was friends with the girl who had the party where Regina did the coke. How did things get so complicated? Naturally the girl who had the party was ostracized because she was a cokehead and someone died at her party. What a buzzkill. How I remember all this, I will never know. If only I could put such effort into STUDYING. But in my defense, it’s easier to write blogs than it is to study at work.

This is dedicated to the Wakefields in all of us. Be responsible. Or not. As long as you can fix it. Be well, my friends.

If all that Sweet Valley blather wasn’t enough…they have Wakefield Sims! As soon as all this GRE/college application madness is over, I’m going to play the Sims again. Nerdiness is fun.