Monday, November 06, 2006
3:24 p.m.

I need an opinion on a very important matter. This is something that, if I decide to proceed with, could drastically change my life for the next several months. I’m ambivalent on the issue and can’t seem to make a decision. You could say that this is a decision that everyone should make for herself (himself?). Give me your feedback if you can.

The dilemma I’m currently grappling with is: Should I join a fruit-of-the-month club?

We’re getting all these gift catalogs at work lately to push cheese, cured meats, and of course, fruit upon us to give as gifts. Let’s be honest first of all: You get that crap for people you have no idea what to get (i.e. bosses, in-laws, friends’ parents, etc.). Anyone who ever needs to get me anything but doesn’t know what; PLEASE don’t get me a fucking gift basket unless you are a subordinate, or a friend or spouse of my children. Since I have no children or subordinates, please don’t get me a fucking gift basket. Unless they include olives. I love olives. If I want random mustards, meats and cheeses, I’ll get them myself. I worked at Hickory Farms in high school*, maybe that explains the hostility towards gift baskets.

In lieu of that, vis a vis back to the point at hand, I love fruit. I’ve been eating a lot more of it lately, and my body is thanking me for it. But I’m choosy. I like newly ripe bananas, good apples (not like the mealy Gala I ate earlier), crunchy grapes, and I’m not a huge fan of oranges (I’ll eat them if they’re there), but I love grapefruits and limes. I have so many questions. Would the selection be influenced by the holidays? Would I be forced to subside on 14 pomegranates and a bunch of cranberries? Is it like a lease, and I’m stuck for a whole year with a bunch of rotting fruit? Is the produce organic? If it is organic, is it 100% organic or the bullshit FDA approved 0.004% organic (anything partially organic can be labeled “organic”)?

Any insight to this issue is greatly appreciated and encouraged.

*Thank you to Stacy’s step-uncle for hiring me and buying me cigarettes when I was underage.