Thursday, July 13, 2006
2:20 p.m.

To the asshole who broke into my car last night: I know you will never read this, it’s really just a vessel through which I shall vent my simultaneous frustration and appreciation for your selfish ineptness. You are an ass. You broke my window* for a $12 CD case (as snazzy as it is, because I got mad style) with a bunch of burned CDs, maybe 4 were original. You got my Mr. Bungle and Pretty Hate Machine.** That almost hurt more than the broken window. But that can be replaced, as my window will be. But I have to thank you for being one of the worst thieves ever. Don’t you know where to look when you break in? I had like $100 that you could have taken. I’m surprised you didn’t smell it. Not to mention a drill that you could have sold for a rock or two. And my random sweaters and shoes are apparently not good enough for your stupid cock-chugging crackwhore girlfriend? Fuck you. Not that I’m bitter. I’m glad you’re a dumbass, and I hope you got at least $5 for my pathetic little burned CDs. But I must say, I hope your break-in skills improve soon, because it’s obvious that you suck ass, and you live on the street somewhere. Maybe you find a mentor before the next score, someone to clean you up a little, teach you a couple things and before long you can steal more at a time, from better cars than mine. Who knows, if you’re a really good student, you can even move up to stealing cars!

*Broke the window? You couldn’t just pop the lock like the last junkie? You really are the worst thief ever. It’s really sad that you couldn’t be smooth and professional about it, I mean, you apparently do this for a living don’t you? Maybe I was your first. Did I pop your cherry? How sweet! I’m proud to be such a milestone in your pathetic existence.

**Ironically, I found Pretty Hate Machine in a drawer about a month ago. I thought it was stolen last year when my car got broken into. So my triumph didn’t last long.