Y’all know I’m a snobby bitch when it comes to candy and snacks, so I’ve begun to compile a list of candy I hate. The following top the list:

1. Now & Laters – it took me years to figure out that they’re so-named because you eat them now and still can’t get rid of them later. Yeah, yeah, I know. But I’ve been saving that one for about a month now, because I’m a sad nerd.

2. Juji fruits – look how much trouble they caused Elaine in Seinfeld. Enough said.

3. Mike and Ike’s – I understand the hipster appeal and even the convenience appeal of the snappy little box and the shake shake shake to get a couple out. But they taste like ass balls, and I don’t care how cool you are for eating them.

4. Black licorice – it’s a plant. Great. But that doesn’t take away the gross. And they’re salivatorious (which I just made up), so you drool in black, like that nasty-ass trick gum that Pee-Wee Herman tried to pawn off on everyone in his big adventure. No thanks, man. Go back to jacking it in movie theatres (and that is a whole other entry). Maybe not everyone drools – maybe it’s just me. But black licorice still sucks ass.

5. Candy corns – you couldn’t pay me enough to swallow these piss-blooded blobs of ass refuse. I like sugar. I don’t know why they decided to use sugar that sucks. According to wikipedia, 20 million pounds of candy corn are sold every year.

6. Whoppers – malted milk balls. I’d rather just eat balls. These things taste like the stale dingleberries that I pick off the hair surrounding my cat’s asshole. I can’t imagine a worse chocolate impostor. Oh wait, I think I just did (see below).

7. Tootsie Rolls – they’re NOT CHOCOLATE! Advocates try to claim that they are, but I’ve never believed. In fact, I just looked it up (thanks wikipedia), and learned that they’re made of something called “ersatz,” which is a German word “literally meaning substitute or replacement.” So all this time without knowing, I knew. The only redemption is the Tootsie Pop: a) owl in the commercial; b) lollipop; c) prize at the end, albeit a piece of non-chocolate that looks like a mangled turd by the time you reach it. But a prize nonetheless.

8. Red hots – I’m a pussy and I don’t like shit that’s too hot. Who the fuck needs spicy candy?

9. Laffy Taffy – similar to Now and Laters, but worse, and much more of a fucking pain. Eating candy should not feel like work! I like to feel joy when I eat candy. I’m lazy, and I get tired easily.

10. Blue anything – Jolly ranchers, gumballs, jawbreakers…I don’t need you. I don’t need anything that turns my mouth blue, or any other color for that matter (mainly blue, green or purple – red is sexy). Hey, can I just eat something that makes me look like an asshole?