Archive for January, 2008
No Love for a Killa
Posted by Elisabitch in Current Events on January 31st, 2008
So by now you may already know that the dude who killed the hiker (Meredith Emerson) on New Year’s just got the death sentence today. His name is Gary Michael Hilton, and he’s apparently a drifter. Not only was he found guilty of murdering Emerson, but he’s suspected in two other killings as well. Obviously he was born to the wrong Hilton family, the poor one. Or maybe he was disowned early on for being so damn creepy.
Why do most killers look like this?
And this?
Do they just give up because they’re ugly and realize that no one will drop their panties for a nasty troll? I’m not trying to be shallow and superficial, personality dictates looks in a major way. So clearly they have no personality either. Generally speaking. The hot ones just murder their wives.
Sometimes the not-so-hot ones do too. What was my point again? Killers are bad.
Does anyone hear the mother ship calling them home?
Posted by Elisabitch in Current Events on January 30th, 2008
According to an article on msnbc.com, vending machines have been installed in Los Angeles for card-carrying medical marijuana smokers. The machine at Herbal Nutrition Center is (get this) open 24 hours. What? You mean I can go to a vending machine any time to buy weed FOR LESS THAN STREET VALUE? With a medical marijuana card and a legitimate medical ailment, clearly.
In addition to the obvious convenience, these contraptions are beneficial to lowering costs, as they don’t require a clerk to dispense the drug, which also offers users anonymity from the prying eyes of others. An added bonus is less employees on site in the event of a raid.
But as usual, the DEA is waiting to crash the party. Aren’t there crack dealers and clandestine meth labs to be busted somewhere? Shouldn’t we be more worried about coke-snorting eight year olds? Seriously, don’t you think they spend a little too much money fighting the wrong battle in this so-called War on Drugs? For the most part, what’s the worst damage pot has done to anyone? I’ve heard of unfortunate incidents by overconsumption, which is why there is usually a sick tent at major concerts and festivals. But people don’t usually break into houses and cars, and sell their children as sex slaves to get more weed.
I think the Machine is trying to bring us down, man. The federal government has a secret alliance with the major pharmaceutical companies to ensure higher medical costs. What would happen if marijuana solved more of our problems? Not as many people would pay $180 for a prescription and the insurance companies and fucking Pfizer wouldn’t make as much money. And the government wouldn’t get their kickbacks. Then what would happen? Everyone would be a lot less medicated/mentally catatonic, and we would all start thinking for ourselves again, and ask questions.
Ugh, this got too political way too fast. I’ll post something about my cat later, don’t worry.
I banged Tom Hanks and Chevy Chase in my dream last night
Posted by Elisabitch in Weird Dreams on January 29th, 2008
Seriously, what the fuck? Really? Tom Hanks, of all people? I’m astounded at the power of my subconscious. Not that he’s a troll or anything, but I haven’t thought about him like that since Splash. And Chevy Chase? I don’t understand how this happens. I think I actually saw a photo of him on google images recently, and I haven’t dug him since Fletch (and maybe Vacation). I won’t traumatize you with the disturbing details, but I will answer the following questions that I’ve already been asked today:
1) Was it like a threesome?
No, they didn’t team me or anything like that, it wasn’t a sandwich. It was more of a train. They both knew what was going on. How nasty. Apparently I’m a little trollop in my dreams (maybe yours, too).
2) Was it good?
I don’t remember, it’s all a little fuzzy to me. I think Tom Hanks took place in the cab of a truck, and I did Chevy Chase in the bathroom of a swanky hotel room. Because I can be classy and skanky at the same time. I don’t know man, it’s a gift.
3) Who was better?
Tom Hanks. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s a more generous lover? It grosses me out to think about it.
Hopefully now that I’ve written about this, I can stop thinking about it. Yipes.
Could it be true?
Posted by Elisabitch in Uncategorized on January 27th, 2008
I’ve suspected it for months, made jokes about it, but have been in secret denial to myself. I think the time has come to admit it and deal with the consequences. It may be entirely possible that I have ADHD (predominantly inattentive). I currently have three library books, one of which is overdue. I have about 30 pages left and the other books haven’t been opened. Will I turn it in before the grace period expires? Stay tuned to find out this and more of my exciting daily goings on! I am working on four (technically five) projects, three of which I worked on this weekend. Will any of them be completed? If so, it’ll be a first. I have like 17 tabs open in Firefox, and if it weren’t for the tabs, I would have completely forgotten what I meant to look up in the first place. I am in a sad, sad state.
The following are symptoms of ADHD, according to Wikipedia and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:
- Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
- Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
Yeah, I have five projects going on simultaneously. I switch to another after a short time, or even worse, begin a completely new one.
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
- Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
- Often has trouble organizing activities.
I think this may just be due to laziness. - Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn’t want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
Totally. But am I really alone in this? - Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
Always. I haven’t seen my planner in over a week. - Is often easily distracted.
I’m already tempted to look at my other tabs. - Is often forgetful in daily activities.
Does that include forgetting to wash off my vibrators and butt plugs?
To see for yourself, read the complete article on Wikipedia.
It’s easy to read the DSM-IV and think, “I have that, AND that, AND THAT, TOO. OMG, I’m Alice-on-The-L-Word-nuts. Not even Phoebe-from-Friends-quirky.” So it’s possible that I’m just modifying my tendencies around these symptoms. Did people have ADHD before there was an official diagnosis, or where they just rabblerousers? Clearly I’m not the first person to proclaim that we have all these newfangled “problems” for which, conveniently, there is always a neat little pill. Do you have trouble sleeping? Do you sometimes sleep too much? Do you feel depressed, apathetic about life in general? Is it sometimes hard to get up and go to work? Have you experienced feelings of anxiety in stressful situations? Do you hate your job? Do you hate doing laundry? If so, you should talk to your doctor about trying [new trendy drug that people will eventually be snorting off the backs of toilets in bars throughout the nation]. I know a lot of people who are absentminded and can’t stay on task, which is really the essence of the disorder, right? Hypothetically, if I were officially diagnosed with ADHD by an official psychiatrist, I officially wouldn’t take medicine for it. Fuck all that noise, like I’d really pander to the Machine. Now I’m off to one of my 10 projects. I thought of five more while I was writing this. Seriously.
How would you kick?
Posted by Elisabitch in Uncategorized on January 25th, 2008
What’s up with all the deaths lately? Looking beyond the obvious celebrities (like I really need to name them), a guy who worked in my office died this week as well. I never knew him; he quit before I started, but it’s disturbing nonetheless. He was pretty young: 39. Cancer. Scary. Yeesh. A good friend had pretty gnarly lymphoma and kicked its ass, so I didn’t really assume that it would get this other guy (again, even though I’ve never met him and know nothing about cancer).
So back to the celebrities I needn’t mention…Heath Ledger supposedly committed suicide, which made me think about my own suicide. Not that I would ever do it. I have way too big an ego and assume that all who know me would be devastated. Conversely, I would never let anyone who hates me feel the slightest elation at my demise. Just the guys I’ve banged alone. I refuse to give any of them the satisfaction of saying something like “You know that chick who killed herself? I totally boned her.” Come on now. No one wants to be the poor dead girl someone brags about fucking three years ago.
Anyway, Heath Ledger offed himself with pills, and I laud that. Not the suicide itself (that would be mean) but the use of pills. It’s clean, it’s probably painless if you take the right kind, and most importantly, it’s the classy way to go. I’ve always heard that girls are most likely to take pills. No respectable girl should ever shoot herself in the face or something, that’s tacky and gross, not to mention completely messy and insensitive. No way. Slitting your wrists is also ridiculously inconsiderate. Who would want to walk in on that disaster? Who would want to clean up after it for that matter, or fork out money to pay someone? Don’t get me started on how much that job would suck. Disgusting. Taking pills is not only classy, but courteous. No extra blood to clean up. Hopefully no shit or piss either, though I’ve heard that when you die, all your bodily waste is released. I would totally give myself an enema beforehand, thereby eliminating any possibility of such a problem. I’m just fancy like that.
I think a lot of people kill themselves because they feel ignored, like no one cares about them. So they use extremely obvious methods like jumping off buildings and bridges, or running out in traffic, so finally someone pays them a little attention. It’s tragic. You feel neglected, like no one cares? Go to the gym and make friends, or take a fucking class or something. How hard is it? I’m a major retardo and I can figure this shit out.
