Write What You Know
Posted by Elisabitch in Uncategorized on August 7th, 2011
This blog is dying because I don’t have time to write. Maybe it’s also dying because I don’t have anything to write about. “Write what you know,” people say. Like that guy, Justin Halpern, who wrote “Shit My Dad Says” based on a series of unintentionally funny tweets. I can totally do that. But stuff I know is either irrelevant or unmarketable:
1) How to take an eight-minute dump in less than three minutes
2) Be funny by gravy training off retro pop culture: I was in Philadelphia Friday and saw a guy wearing a Ghostbusters shirt. If I’d had the guts to ask him to let me take a photo, I would have posted it on my Facebook with the caption “He ain’t afraid of no ghosts!” Mr. M topped me by using the caption “Bustin’ Makes Him Feel Good.”
3) Condense everything into lists.
4) Winning Spider Solitaire in less than 300 moves
5) Orthognathic surgery
The blog is dead…
Posted by Elisabitch in Uncategorized on March 20th, 2011
…or so it seems. I’ve been extremely busy and not miserable enough to write. But I have things to say.
It was a happy, bustling cyber-village of activity for awhile, mainly when I was unemployed and lonely (mainly in Portland). Now that my life is more of a happy, bustling cyber-village of activity, the blog is unemployed and lonely.
I passed the two-year mark recently for living in Oakland. I’ve lived here longer than any place besides Sacramento since 2007. In May, the lease on my apartment will renew to begin the third year living here. Besides my parents’ house, I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 1.95 years – my last apartment in Sacramento. So I’ve been thinking a lot about permanence and long-term commitments. I finally feel like an adult. I worry about things like having kids before my eggs go bad, and saving $500,000 to buy a house someday, but I’m relieved to have found a place and a person that I’m not eager to leave before my next lease renewal.
Mr. M and I are still happy, which is clear due to my lack of blog maintenance. In addition to the crucial common interests and phobias, we have the perfect amount of autonomy in our relationship – spending enough time apart so as not to feel smothered, but not so much that either of us feels neglected. There’s a fine line between smothered and neglected and it can be difficult to strike the balance.
We saw a movie last weekend, Cedar Rapids. It was alright, typical zany comedy – we arrived late, though, which jargled my nerves a little bit. I hate trying to creep into a movie theatre after the movie has started. No matter what you do, you’re not as quiet as you intended to be. It’s like trying to sneak into your house drunk. Everything you do to be undetectable makes things worse. When I was still with an ex-boyfriend I came into the bedroom after he was already asleep. I tried so hard to blend in with the silence of the night, and the furniture and carpeting. Inevitably, I tripped over a stray shoe or a rogue table leg and froze once I steadied myself. The room was just light enough for me to see his eye open and roll toward me, and it looked irritated. That image of the irritated eyeball is forever imprinted in my mind as the symbol for accidentally waking someone up.
In other news, I still love my job. There are always some things I’d rather do than others, but it’s so busy all the time that it’s nothing I get completely burned out on.
I have to report for jury duty tomorrow, and I’ve successfully dodged it most of my life. The rumors are true: register to vote and you WILL get called. The county courts of California claim that it’s completely random and based on driver licenses AND voter registration records, but I know their ruse. After a debacle with my registration for the 2008 election, I was careful to register promptly last year. Within a month my parents received a summons from SACRAMENTO (since, because I’ve moved around so much, I hadn’t changed my address and it somehow it got forwarded there, NOT Sacramento). Last month I finally changed my address to Oakland to stop the summonses (I can’t believe that’s actually a word). Within about a week, I received a jury summons in my mail box. Honestly, I’m a little excited. I’ve never reported before, and always wanted to see what it was all about. I imagine a lot of sitting and waiting for your name to be called so you can be shuffled from one room to the next, without the use of electronic devices to save you from boredom. This isn’t an ideal week to fulfill my civic obligation, what with orthodontia and car repairs to deal with, but jury duty is about as convenient as the flu (which I had last month) – there will NEVER be a good time.
For anyone who stumbled onto this little legacy of complaints and rambling nonsense, I have nothing else to offer you but, hopefully, more consistent updates. Anyone with a big enough ego to assume their thoughts are worthy enough to share has a lot of competition to deal with. It’s all one can do to hope a search for midget porn brings visitors to read stuff like this. Someday I’ll bring the bad drawings back.
My Orthodontic Journey – Step One
Posted by Elisabitch in Uncategorized on March 14th, 2011
(First I will say that I can’t add another category for this yet since I have to update WordPress.)
This marks the first in what I hope to be a series of rambling notes on my experience with orthodontia as an adult. It’s gonna be a bumpy and painful ride.
Captain’s Log: January 25, 2011
So, I went to the orthodontist today, with starry dreams of perfect teeth, a perfect smile, in 12 months or less, invisibly. With Invisalign. When I told the orthodontist, Dr. Rs, that I want symmetry and no crowding, he unrolled a fantastic plan involving a team of specialists: dentists, orthodontists, periodontists and surgeons. SURGEONS! Apparently my jaw is misaligned and they need to crack it open and push it up. I was informed that this would probably cost about as much as a new car, anywhere from a Prius to a BMW 7-series. There’s a major difference between these two cars – about $60,000. And I’m really not excited about the Prius price, either. I’m curious as to whether anyone in his office is concerned with how I’m going to pay for this, because I’m a little worried about it! What if I actually need a new car while I’m paying this off for the next 4-5 years? Worst of all, I was told that this plan doesn’t include Invisalign because that “won’t give you the results you want.” What I want is straight teeth, and not to look like a haggard high school student. I still get acne and I’m still moody. What exactly is the difference between 13 and 33 besides 20 years? I could get the invisible braces, but they’re not all that invisible! They’re a little too “see the wires on your teeth, and the food stuck in them” for me. It’s all a little too “third time with braces” for me (my teeth were EXTREMELY misaligned before the first two times). Not to mention the years of retainers after that.
I can’t remember the last time I saw an adult with braces. Does anyone know any adults with braces? I’m going to start keeping track of all the people I encounter in the next month with braces. “Brace yourself” for the thrilling results of my study.
Naturally, I’m getting a second (and maybe a third) opinion. But I will say this: If my vanity crushes my sanity and I actually allow the “team of specialists” to do their worst on me, I will forever call it my new car smile.
Update: March 14, 2011
I went to another doctor the week after my first consult, henceforth to be regarded as Dr. Ig. Dr. Ig agreed that jaw surgery was the best option to really fix what is causing my dissatisfaction, but he also mentioned that due to the nature of problems caused by the jaw (breathing, chewing pain and jaw clicking), it’s possibly covered under medical insurance. However, dental insurance only covers a paltry lifetime maximum of $1,500 for orthodontia, while treatment is at least $6,000. But compared to $20-50k for surgery, that’s nothing. Dr. Ig also mentioned that Dr. Rs would probably tell me to get lost if I decided against his master plan and just wanted orthodontia, and when that happened to call him and he would help me.
I decided against the Dr. Rs since he was so intent on selling me his vision, with hand-picked specialists who apparently can’t be bothered with insurance companies, and who the hell knows who those jokers are and what kickback he’s getting from it. The same day he told me it would cost tens of thousands of dollars, he also scheduled my next two follow-up appointments and suddenly I was on a runaway train on a one-way track to debt and inevitable medical collections on my credit report.
After several weeks of obsessing over braces (for a THIRD TIME), researching extensively online and adding the term “orthognathic surgery” to my vocabulary, I’ve come to terms with getting railed (for a THIRD TIME) and it’s really not the worst thing in the world, I guess. I decided that consults with two orthodontists were enough, and made another appointment with Dr. Ig. He was less intimidating, less insulting and an overall nicer person. And his own teeth are perfect. I judge most people on their personality and teeth. I can’t remember the state of Dr. Rs’s teeth because I was distracted by his beard, my panic and rapidly declining financial future.
Today I got photos and X-rays taken, and made some molds and imprints, all of which cost $455. Then I was informed by Dr. Ig that I still need another scan from some digital imaging scam artist, which, as it turns out, will cost $399 MORE, taking place tomorrow. I don’t trust anyone in imaging due to previous medical issues. They are the pirates of the medical industry. Everyone else is at their mercy, and they know it. By the end of the week my teeth will have cost $854 so far. A million thanks in advance to HSBC.
Oh, and I still haven’t seen any adults with braces outside of orthodontist offices since I started paying attention.
The lesson here thus far is two-fold:
1) Children – WEAR YOUR RETAINERS when you get your braces off. Then you won’t realize that you need orthodontia again later when your teeth move, and be surprised with what else you need.
2) Parents – get this crap over with early! I was supposed to have jaw surgery when I was 9, but it didn’t happen because all the consequences that manifested were either trivialized or not examined more carefully. I blame society
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Stay tuned for the next fascinating update, starring me and my big mouth.
TWO YEARS MAXIMUM?
Posted by Elisabitch in Current Events on November 5th, 2010
Seriously, California? Johannes Mehserle shoots a dude in the back, HANDCUFFED, and he only gets two years? Not only is that absolutely asinine, but a great way to bring more chaos to Oakland. Because there’s not enough civil unrest. Let’s disenfranchise even more people and make them angrier. That’s already proved to be super helpful.
A brilliant discovery and an awkward one night stand
Posted by Elisabitch in My bad advice, Relationships on October 26th, 2010
I haven’t really been on the one-night-stand train, as Mr. M and I are careening toward our first anniversary. But I can still live vicariously through the single lives of my friends.
To expand upon my compacted existence, I also don’t go out much anymore. I’m old, tired and boring. To defend myself, I was insanely busy through August and part of September when my unemployed desperation took back-to-back online classes and accepted multiple projects (both paid and unpaid). During the peak of the important, paid project, this unemployed desperation intersected with my employed ambition, which resulted in great loads of stress, exhaustion, depression and excitement rolled into a small package of ranting and occasional enjoyment of TV. October has proved to be a recovery and adjustment period.
Saturday night was the most exciting outing in months. Ninja, Dr. Dre and I rejected two bars in Oakland for being too crowded and then too dead before finally settling on a packed pub because Ninja couldn’t walk any farther in her wildly impractical shoes. The SF Giants played the Philly Whatevers in a soul-crushing triumph. An alcohol-fueled excitement filled the air as we all realized that history was being made and the Giants were on their way to the World Series! The Giants, who I’ve barely been aware of despite living in this area for over a year, are now on my radar, just like every other band wagoner who doesn’t care about sports unless their boyfriends do or the local team wins.
Anyway, this was the backdrop of our evening. A major victory mixed with alcohol gave us all a magical, irresistible power over drunk, horny dudes, even more than usual. While one of them was strongly campaigning for Ninja, he would occasionally divert to me or Dr. Dre. He spotted the ring I’ve been wearing on my left hand and assumed it was a wedding ring. He casually referred to my married status and I realized that I’m an idiot for not coming up with it much sooner. “That’s right, I’m MARRIED,” I replied. “Soooo completely married.” And THAT is how you can water down an unwanted suitor’s attention. Apparently I’m a criminally slow learner. But it was really helpful for the duration of the night. “What’s my name? Fucking MARRIED, that’s my name.”
Later, Alvin took a shine to Ninja. When they disappeared on our walk back to the train station, Dr. Dre and I assumed all was well. I later received a panicked text from Ninja that (explained in drunken shorthand) they’d ended up at his apartment, where he decided to bust out his guitar and sing some songs. My late, great friend George always said, “Drinking + guitar = disaster.” Truer words have never been spoken. I’ve been in those “drinking + guitar” situations before, and the lesson is, you’d better really want to be there, or you’re in for some trouble.
Ninja wanted to be there, but Alvin had other plans. Those plans included sobbing and unleashing all the pain and devastation he’d been repressing at the bar. Pain and devastation from his fiancee leaving him less than a month ago. Ninja, not inclined to emotional displays and outpourings, was far, far out of her comfort zone. All she could muster was, “I don’t know, I’m just the girl from the bar.” She also gave him some tips on how to wash his laundry, so even though Alvin didn’t get any tang, he got some practical housekeeping advice, and you can’t put a price on that.
Seriously, what do you do when you try to have a one night stand and he cries?
I’m in love…with my job
Posted by Elisabitch in General boring updates on October 26th, 2010
The blog is dying because I’m incapable of sticking with anything. I ALMOST miss being miserable because it gave me way more material. I was pumping it out in Portland because I was in exile and had absolutely nothing else to do (besides drink and watch bad TV on Hulu).
I have a job again, and an awesome one at that. I can’t complain – there’s tons to do, tons more to do, tons of growth potential and I love the people I work with. It involves lots of admin and LOTS of responsibility. But it also involves lots of creative work. There are annoying automated sales calls, and even more annoying non-automated sales calls. But I work for a nonprofit and our office is pretty empty most of the time, so there aren’t a bunch of helpless knobs that need me to cut their meat for them. When my boss is there (which has been rare lately), I never know what I’m going to be doing. It’s like working for Mr. Pitt on Seinfeld, minus the frustration and angst.
Finding an awesomely fantastic job is like falling for a new boy. Everything about it is so perfect and wonderful, and its quirks are adorable. My pimp set me up with my job, so we were hanging out in late July, but we decided not to see other people in September. So technically we’ve been together for about a month. Ah the early stages of romance…the staying over late, excessive emailing…it’s like meeting Mr. M all over again (who is doing very well and still the bestest ever).
I’m trying to come up with ways to revive the blog, aside from the myriad complaints. I’ve got to have more to talk about. Election 2010? Pot Legalization, California, Health Care Reform? How much I like English muffins with butter and honey? My recent obsession with spending money?
Everybody in the hood has had it up to here…again
Posted by Elisabitch in Current Events on July 9th, 2010
I have a mountain of work to do and should really be doing it, but I had to take a break (or procrastinate further) to say something about the situation in Oakland right now. In case y’all didn’t know, I live in Oakland. The fatal shooting of Oscar Grant happened on NYE 2009, about three months before I moved here last year. I’m sure everyone knows the story by now, but just in case you don’t, a Bart police officer (Bart is the train system used in the Bay Area) shot Oscar Grant on a platform at the Fruitvale station as a result of a fight that broke out on a train, which Oscar Grant was somehow affiliated with. Things got more chaotic, and Johannes Mehserle shot him in the back with his gun, thinking he’d only grabbed his Taser. There was a major riot a few days after Grant’s death. The trial started last week and since the verdict was imminent, the police force and National Guard have been gearing up while local businesses and residents prepared for a repeat of the rioting and looting from January of 2009. Also, there have been a lot of concerns that the results of this trial will parallel Rodney King and the L.A. riots of 1992.
It’s really weird living in a city with so much social upheaval. When the riots were happening in L.A. I was not only 18 years younger (OMG, 18 YEARS! Bring me my Botox, please), but I lived in the sanctity of my quiet little town far, far away from where they were actually taking place. Now I’m more understanding of what’s going on, and this is happening less than five miles from my neighborhood. I can’t go to downtown Oakland, last week I was concerned about my friend in Concord, which is a significant distance from Oakland (but you never know what people will do). Mr. M said, “Yeah, I think what you’re experiencing right now is panic.” But he understands the necessity of not going anywhere near Broadway below 30th Street. So if you want to buy a car, no problem. If you want to hit up a dispensary or some 24-hour Chinese food, you’re out of luck.
The verdict finally came in yesterday, after we’ve been waiting a week to find out if we need to get out of town. Involuntary manslaughter was the decision, which people are not at all happy with. Last night there was more rioting and “dozens” were arrested according to the New York Times. So I’m not sure if all is calm again now, since it’s daytime and people have to go to work and all that.
The thing that bothers me is the looting. I can understand the protesting and upset, but stealing from business owners who depend on their products for their own livelihood and growth/sustenance of the business is uncalled for. They’ve done nothing wrong and certainly didn’t shoot Oscar Grant. They just have the misfortune of being located downtown. It seems to me that a lot of people are using this situation as an excuse to wreak havoc and steal shit.
With that, I’m back to my studies and chores.
All of this is hopefully leading to something – UPDATE!
Posted by Elisabitch in Current Events, More of my bad habits on June 23rd, 2010
Let’s see – not only am I the worst blogger ever, but I’m also the worst Netflix renter ever. I’m sure there’s not a crazy high demand for Smokey and the Bandit or Running Scared, but on the off chance that someone’s waiting for them because I’ve been hoarding them for two weeks, sorry. I finally managed to drop Smokey and the Bandit in the mailbox yesterday and I aspire to see Running Scared tonight. Although, Solitary Man is playing in the theatre nearby, so I may be inclined to see that instead.
Also, it’s finals week, which means that my Corporate Finance nightmare is almost over. It wasn’t as bad as I expected, and I learned valuable shit like calculating the present value of investments and the junk bond market. But I’m still glad it’s over and I’ll be able to take only classes related to my concentration.
I’ve been watching the news a lot more, so I actually have a clue as to what’s going on. BP fucked up the Gulf like three months ago and isn’t doing shit about it, Rep. Joe Barton from Texas apologized for the government shakedown, Tony Hayward wants his life back, and I’m not surprised by any of it. Seriously, people. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been taking these fancy business classes, but the oil spill is about as shocking as Toyota’s recall. And by shocking, I mean, not really shocking at all. When the housing market, banks and Detroit auto makers basically shoved our shit back up our asses after sodomizing us all for years, it splattered onto them and guess who wasn’t happy about that? Thus, the economy has sucked and companies are taking shortcuts in their safety and quality control procedures to save money to offset declining revenues. Which means more defects, deaths and fuck-ups. It’s cyclical and it seems like no one ever learns. Chances are you’ll buy something that doesn’t work properly because of slimmed down production measures.
Back to the microcosm that is my existence, I’m on month four of unemployment. I registered with another staffing agency today because craigslist people don’t write back and it’s not exactly encouraging. Scary fact: the longer you’re unemployed, the greater your skill set diminishes. Scarier fact: it’s not like my skill set was exactly broadened and enhanced working for my last rattrap job. It’s kind of hard to develop professionally while listening to my supervisor yell obscenities at his computer screen every time he gets an email. Additionally, I learned today that apparently I’m supposed to know Microsoft Access and build databases and shit. I smell another class in my future. It looks like I can take a Visual Basic class online from this guy that looks kinda like Alan Rickman. I can’t think of a better remind-a-like to learn from. Does anyone know anything about programming? Is it worth it? Should I bother? Luckily I’ve thought against increasing my debt to buy a HDTV I can’t afford.
Mr. M is adjusting to his new habitat. He’s in closer proximity to a lot more, and takes curious trips to CVS. I noticed a new package of pens, to complement the 1000 pens we already have in the utility drawer (where the tape, batteries and other useful sundries are kept). He’s messy like most heterosexual boys are, so I don’t get too irritated at the shaving scraps in the sink or food left out from the night before. As I’ve mentioned before, it does no good to be angry and resentful over someone else’s habits. They’re HABITS. They can be controlled, but not easily. If they could, I’d stop sleeping in till 11:30am and watching Will & Grace and Golden Girls reruns till Mr. M wakes up when I should be doing any number of assignments or chores. What can I say, I’m still making up for lost time without a TV, and with a living-room commandeering cunt who never let me watch Gangland or Dirty Jobs.
Despite my fears of running out of money and skills, I like my little routines. I like to make breakfast in the morning and eat it leisurely whilst watching said reruns (or the news, when I’m feeling ignorant or guilty). Last week I expanded on my crocheting abilities to learn scalloped edges and spider lace. I decided to possibly join a knitting or crocheting group. I’ll add that to learning guitar, programming, and whatever else I spout off about doing that never happens.
Anyway, I’m having a late breakfast today because I had to show up to the staffing agency at the ungodly hour of 10am. Also, all that talk of programming made me hungry. I migrated my blogging efforts to the kitchen so I could mind my baconing and hashbrowning. I’ve also gotten pretty good at making eggs over easy, I dare say.
UPDATE: After I posted this, a major event occurred that must be shared. Since I’m a slacker, I waited till today to post. Mr. M woke up later, and sat in his chair as usual. He picked something up from the rug and examined it carefully to see what it was. I noticed that it was a cat turd. Gizmo had, unbeknownst to me, let one go on the rug in the living room. I didn’t see it because the rug is dark and the turd blended in with the color. So seeing Mr. M with turd in hand was both horrifying and hilarious. I tried to break the news as calmly, yet efficiently, as possible. I told him to just drop it right now, and it’s nothing he wants to deal with. He was extremely disconcerted when I told him, and washed his hands a few times. Mr. M is pretty vigilant about protecting himself from germs and grossness. He doesn’t even like it when I touch the surface of the CVS prescription counter, so you can imagine that he was in quite a dither about holding cat excrement.
Talk me out of it. Please.
Posted by Elisabitch in Uncategorized on June 12th, 2010
I have this crazy notion that it’s a good idea to add the purchase of a large LCD TV to the ever increasing balance on my credit card. I don’t have a job. I have absolutely no business buying a television. I haven’t had my own television since 2006. This is why some people stay poor – they buy things they can’t afford. On the positive, it’s nice to know that plasma and LCD TVs have come down in price since 2007 when I last thought it would be a good idea to buy one. For $800 or less, I could watch a gargantuan Frasier in HD. STOP ME! I’ve gone to the dark side. I have a feeling Mr. M is gonna have something to say about this. Stay tuned for the results of this and other exciting events. Coming soon!
Oh, and I did NOT go to the driving range yesterday. Mr. M and I went to Berkeley instead because he wanted some new shirts. A guy who likes to shop is like my dream come true. A guy who likes to shop and doesn’t need me to hold his hand and wipe his ass so I can go somewhere else if I want to is amazing. I’m still optimistic about the driving range, though.
